I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
