i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
