i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
