when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
