We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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