Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
