i wish there were pregnant emoticons
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
