I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize