I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
