exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
