I cockslap morals
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.