Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
