oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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