remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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