i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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