are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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