I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
