He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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