so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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