loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
