Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
someone owes me an orgasm
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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