Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
