I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
