Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
