I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you would pick up someone in the library
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
