there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
