I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
