i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
