It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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