So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
