I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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