White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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