i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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