You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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