who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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