Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
