8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
