I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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