You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
