whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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