I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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