is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
