Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
