if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i think i scared a bird with my dick
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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