i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
