U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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