Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
