Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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