Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Randomize
