my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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