Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I deserve this hangover.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
