I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
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She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
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Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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