Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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