One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
