Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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