Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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