you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
These tits shall not be calmed
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
