i used baking grease as lip gloss
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
