Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
