hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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