This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I think a kid would responsible me up
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
