i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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